woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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