I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Is Oprah even human
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
