Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just gargled with NyQuil
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
