Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
