but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
