if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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