My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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