Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Randomize
