Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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