You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
