My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
