I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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