my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize