she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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