I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
