3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
