That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize