I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
pray to the hookup gods
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