Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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