He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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