I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Welp...herpes.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
