He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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