I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
