Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'd cum for enchiladas.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize