I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
