i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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