Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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