If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize