I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
