the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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