Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
