I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Four minutes until I can fart!
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
