Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
