After last night, I could never be a politician.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
