my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
