i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize