I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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