I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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