I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
