No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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