Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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