Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
MIDGETS
????
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
