Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
