It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
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