Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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