Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
