Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
someone owes me an orgasm
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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