i need an iv and a liver transplant
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Randomize
