my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
