three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
