We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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