Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize