i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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