I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I look better un-naked...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
